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To the monologue, where it’s time for: “The biggest most insane story ever that no one is covering because it no longer serves a use as a phony smear against political enemies!”
So, it’s 2021, and this monologue is on the Steele dossier. Like a birthmark, this story never goes away. Is that my fault? No, I would much prefer to do something on Joe Biden breaking wind at the climate summit. That breeze was so hot, Greta Thunberg asked him to stand in front of a windmill. But look, that fart was the only honest thing to come out of Joe since he became president. Which is why that story was my first choice. But now, it’s number two.
And why? Cuz, now, the legacy media is smothering the dossier story like it’s a bed-ridden aunt with a lot of money. But we’re different. See, the dossier hoax is like spending the holidays with your parents – it’s as important as it is soul-crushing. Because that one false manufactured story guided nearly everything the media focused on for four years. And when we made fun of it, the media made fun of us. Like we were in denial – when in fact it was them all along.
So we need to settle a score, and run that score up like the Harlem Globetrotters playing against the Little Sisters of the Poor. First a recap: The Steele dossier was an anti-Trump conspiracy theory funded by the Clinton campaign. It became the number one, all-things-Russian smear buffet. All it needed was Boris, Natasha, and a bowl of poisoned borscht.
Clip of various media personalities touting the veracity of the Steele dossier: The dossier has been corroborated by the intelligence community//the dossier is in fact, far from bogus// I think we’re gonna have to stop calling it the infamous dossier, increasingly it’s the accurate dossier// the famous dossier which is getting a lot more credibility now // the republican claim today was that the dossier has been increasingly discredited. That’s not true, in terms of the public record about the dossier. In fact, it’s quite the opposite
They have so much egg on their face, their eyeballs need Lipitor. But it’s still bigger than Watergate!
Clips of Carl Bernstein: What we are watching in the Trump presidency is worse than Watergate// are there echoes of Watergate in this and there are // we’re also witnessing something we did not see in Watergate which is a meltdown by a president who is demonstratively unhinged//what we’re seeing is worse than Watergate
Poor guy. Think about it. When Watergate was your last success you’d keep bringing it up, too. But it’s been 50 years almost. That’s like me bragging about the time I got a Lego stuck up my nose. That was 50 years ago too, but I’m not on CNN comparing everything to that. Okay, it was last year.
Then there’s Rachel Maddow, whose brain snapped in 2016 like a Stella d’Oro breadstick.
A montage of Maddow saying “Konstantin Kalymnick”
She hadn’t been that excited since supercuts dropped their clipper cut from $28 to $22. Anyway, the Steele dossier was hyped more than the Fox Patriot Awards at The Villages. But, turns out it was fake. How fake?
Yeah, the dossier was as fake as: A. Kamala’s laugh; B. Our president’s teeth; C. Hillary’s smile; D. The Clintons’ marriage; And bonus option – it’s as fake as the urine Kat supplies for her weekly drug test. It’s the first sample they’ve seen that was carbonated. Now please write down your choice on the back of a cereal box and mail it to Joe Scarborough, c/o Bellevue Hospital.
Now, the new indictments coming out from special counsel John Durham are even crazier. By the way, what’s with his picture? Is this the only one ever taken of John Durham? Could he look any more like a German U-boat commander? Scary thing is – that’s his 6th-grade class picture. And why isn’t he playing the lead in “The life and times of Wilford Brimley?” Talk about “Cocoon.” You could wrap yourself in that stache.
So the indictment offers lots of new evidence. Revealing Steele’s key source, involved a shady guy named Igor. Igor made false statements to the FBI about his role in supplying the gossipy smears to Steele — that former British spy who worked for Fusion GPS. He’s like 007, if that stood for his IQ.
So was this the ticking time bomb we were promised by every blue-checker on Twitter from 2016 up to 2020? Well, it was indeed a bombshell, except it went “boom boom” all over them. And because of that, the story sinks like a Gambino member wearing cement shoes – never to be seen, except on shows like this, because:
Gutfeld!!! We care about the truth! And latex goods! We care about leather latex goods!
So Igor – on behalf of Hillary – helped plant the lies to fuel the collusion fairy tale, as the FBI also used Steele’s work to obtain surveillance warrants. Yet, as Igor confesses – it was all based on booze-fueled hearsay from friends. Which isn’t bad research. That’s how I found out that bigfoot had impregnated the loch ness monster to give birth to Carrot Top.
But then his real source. Which was another Democratic hack – a guy whose only connection to the Kremlin is the bottle of Russian dressing in the fridge. My wife has more of a connection to Moscow – it’s the poster of a shirtless Putin above our bed. In other words, this whole thing was a hoax. A malicious deception like Kat’s extensions.
And much like all the other hoaxes, the fine people lie. The injecting bleach, Covington, Kavanaugh, CRT doesn’t exist, but white supremacy does! Whoa – I feel like I just wrote an outline for a new Fox Nation series! Hosted by Diamond and Silk!
But this dossier smear was designed to sway an election – claiming Trump was under Moscow’s control because of the extortive power of blackmail. So is the media admitting their huge error? Of course not. This story is too huge to admit it being false.
And that’s why the hugest story on earth must vanish. Because it’s not simply the media admitting to being wrong. It’s admitting to being fundamentally deluded for 4 years. And if there’s any guiding principle to today’s legacy journalism, that’s it.
This article is adapted from Greg Gutfeld’s opening monologue on the November 9, 2021 edition of “Gutfeld!”