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Yesterday, we left New York City. What a relief.
Leaving there Texas, it’s like waking up from a bad dream. It’s like going from the Texans to the Cowboys. You know what, I don’t even know what that means. I don’t know anything about sports.
It’s like going from Joy Behar’s bed to anything that isn’t Joy Behar’s bed. I’d even take a bed of nails. That I know.
And thank you, by the way, for the gift basket. I’ve only been in Texas for one day and I already got an AR-15 a Bible, and Beto O’Rourke’s balls in a pickle jar.
I’m kidding. We all know Beto has no balls. Even Caitlyn Jenner would tell him to grow a pair.
Remember when he said he was coming for your guns, and you said, Yeah, try it, Nancy. This guy couldn’t get a glue gun from an art teacher.
And yet, he wants to run for governor. That’s a joke. His odds of becoming governor are as good as Hunter Biden passing a drug test.
Originally, I had Cat’s name in there, but I realized Hunter was funnier.
That means Americans want an America that is more like America.
And like our show, a lot of people are coming here for that very same reason, especially from California, which makes sense.
The U-hauls are headed in one direction, and the apocalypse in the other.
California is home to the largest share of the country’s billionaires, and also the highest poverty rate.
They build walls around their mansions but turn your backyards into truckstop bathrooms. Except with more poop.
This means as California goes to hell in a handbasket woven by progressives, the rich and powerful don’t care. So everyone in between has no choice but to leave for greener pastures.
I can’t blame them. Everything in Texas is bigger and better.
Even Cat has grown since she’s been here. She’s at least 5’3″.
But Texas had a better COVID response than New York did, probably because your governor didn’t kill more grannies than a badly placed slip rug.
If only those grandmas had been hotter, Cuomo might have kept them around. That is disgusting. That is disgusting.
So here’s a comparison: Texas has no state income tax or inherited tax, but California and New York have some of the highest in the nation, which means you Texans could have more money to spend on your kids, and by kids, I mean firearms.
In Texas, the best college football team is named after a majestic, impressive breed of cattle. In California, the best college football team is named after condoms.
In Texas, you have the bustling new Tesla factory in the home base of Elon Musk. In California, they have 39 empty Cheesecake Factories and a homeless guy living in front of each one.
So one state is building cars and the other makes people live in them.
In Texas, you have to build a wall to protect the border. In New York, we had to build a wall to protect women from our governor.
In Texas, the state bird is the northern mockingbird. In New York. It’s a greasy pigeon with one eye and a human finger in his mouth.
We call that the Doocy.
In Texas, you have Joe Rogan. In New York, they have CNN or what’s left of CNN. Every day someone gets fired or arrested. They are they’re so desperate at CNN, some employees have been forced to harass themselves.
New York has Hillary Clinton. Texas does not have Hillary Clinton.
Texas has rodeos. New York has a rat with a slice of pizza.
In Texas, you have real cowboys who speak politely and know how to handle their guns. In California, they have Alec Baldwin.
In Texas, a hoedown is a dance. In New York City, it’s what a cop says over his radio with a hooker is passed out on your porch.
Yeah, and the two-step is when you have to jump over a pile of street feces.
Texas is known for its beautiful cattle. That’s kind of true in New York City. Talk about foot and mouth disease.
So here in Texas, there’s a vast gulf between the residents and Mexico. In California, there’s a vast gulf between the governor’s ears.
Here in Texas, you have the best barbecue in the world. In California, they put pineapples on pizza. That’s like putting a mustache on Miranda Lambert, which, she could pull it off.
In California, they have a decaf skinny soy no foam latte. In Texas, you have coffee. And testosterone.
In California, you have San Francisco. In Texas, you don’t.
In Texas, there are males and females. In California, in NYC, there’s just one new gender and it’s called loser. They use more hair dye than they do shampoo.
In California and New York, you can smash and grab. In Texas, you smash and grab, you drop and die.
In California, the homeless can poop on your front lawn. Try that in Dallas and it’s the last poop you’ll ever take.
In Texas, you produce heroes like Sam Houston and Davy Crockett. But, you know, California produced me. Yeah, I was handsome.
True, California has Warner Brothers, Universal Studios and Paramount Pictures. But Texas has the Greg Gutfeld show.
The difference is stark. It’s a reminder of who makes the country work and how those people make it possible for the other idiots to thrive.
You are the people who create a civil, lawful society, a place where the idiots who make fun of you can live.
Right now, you see how the press treats the truckers. That’s how they think of you.
The truckers are a proxy for the typical non-journalists, non-media hardworking person. It’s you. Your family, your state.
So this week we salute you, Texas, and the hard-working, fun-loving, ass-kicking Texans that you are.
This article is adapted from Greg Gutfeld’s opening commentary on the February 21, 2022, edition of “Gutfeld!.”