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Sadly, we have some breaking news. Our 11 pm competition over at MSNBC is quitting. Yes, after being regularly shellacked by this little juggernaut of a show, Brian Williams announced he got tired of lying… I mean losing – and announced he’s leaving the network. Shocking! Who knew he was still employed?
But let’s be honest, he’s not leaving without racking up some key achievements. Sure he was known to fabricate stuff, but in the writing world, it’s known as poetic license. In the news world, it’s known as being a dishonest sack of s***.
He still had quite the resume, especially if you hear it from him.
Skit of Brian Williams goodbye video: I had an illustrious career. Voted people magazines sexiest man alive from 1980 to 1990, all while leading the Pittsburgh Steelers to four straight Super Bowls. I couldn’t have done it without my wife, Angelina Jolie. And my other wife, Cleopatra, who I married in a secret séance in the lost city of Atlantis buried far beneath the sea. People ask me what will I do when I retire, well, I’m only 25, that’s twenty years younger than Kat Timpf. So I think I’ll finish my memoirs, which will focus primarily on my work discovering the polio vaccine and my charity work caring and feeding orphans inside a volcano I made out of pillows. Goodnight and good luck btw, Edward R Murrow stole that from me.
So, as you know, there’s a trial going on for Kyle Rittenhouse. But it seems to be collapsing like Brian Stelter after doing 2 jumping jacks. A quick recap: it began with the police shooting of a violent, knife-wielding felon in Kenosha, Wisconsin back in August 2020. Following three days of riots and property destruction, or what CNN would call peaceful protests, Rittenhouse traveled to Kenosha, armed with a rifle. Publicly stating his mission was to protect businesses and victims. In the ensuing melee, he shot and killed two people and wounded a third. The state of Wisconsin alleges he is a murderer.
His defenders (and anybody with an IQ over 15) describe it as self-defense. And if you listen to the clueless prosecution, they’re pretty much proving it was self-defense too. I haven’t seen someone this inept in court since Michael Avenatti. As legal expert James Gagliano in The New York Post points out — “with video footage from the scene and witness accounts, murder remains an impossible charge to prove.”
Now, I’ve not watched much of the actual trial. I don’t have time. What with having 2 hit shows and my night job as a bouncer at Jojo’s leather and latex teahouse. So let’s see how the media portrays Rittenhouse.
Lawrence O’Donnell: Kyle Rittenhouse the 17-year-old vigilante // Nicolle Wallace: Kyle Rittenhouse, a vigilante // Joy Reid: Kyle Rittenhouse, the armed teenage vigilante // Rittenhouse is basically what you would have had in a school shooter.//he was going out to shoot people // Scarborough: just running around shooting and killing protesters //seventeen-year-old vigilante, arguably a domestic terrorist // a white, Trump-supporting MAGA loving // was radicalized by Trumpism took his AR-15 to Kenosha and became a killer.
It’s amazing how they can sound exactly the same, but uniquely stupid in their own way. You know, if I didn’t know any better, I’d think they were all actors working from the same script! One where they started with the ending, then changed every other word to “racist.” They’re more predictable than a “three’s company” marathon.
But here’s something from my favorite CNN legal analyst.
Jeffrey Toobin: What kind of idiot 17-year-old gets a giant gun and goes to a riot? He has no license, he has no training, he thinks he’s going to scrub graffiti off with his ar-15? I mean, the stupidity of this is like — what could possibly go wrong? Well, a lot went wrong.
That’s a kick. Toobin said you have to be more responsible before you whip something out. But he should know. If you point something at people, there’s a chance it’ll go off.
Meanwhile, an ABC News summary focused on the “lone survivor,” of Rittenhouse’s actions, like he was a Navy SEAL hunted by the Taliban, rather than pursuing Rittenhouse. It was a great narrative. Until you get to the last few graphs of ABC’s coverage and find this.
Defense: It wasn’t until you pointed your gun at him, advanced on him, with your gun, now your hands down pointed at him, that he fired, right?
Gaige Grosskreutz: Correct
So the guy wounded by Rittenhouse admits he was pointing his gun at Rittenhouse when he was shot. That’s no tiny detail. If someone walks toward me with a gun drawn, it’s either a threat or I’ve wandered into Dana Perino’s yard.
Look at the prosecutors when the story didn’t go as planned. It’s the same reaction my doctor has when I remove my pants. This trial blew up in their faces like an Antifa-made pipe bomb. Maybe they should have worn masks.
But forget the laughable prosecution. What’s concerning is how the media portrays the actual facts. The witness Gaige Grosskreutz lied about having a gun, then admits he pointed a loaded gun at Rittenhouse. “Gaige” -which’s a bad name to have in a firearms case – that’s like being named Glock or caliber… or Alec Baldwin.
He turned out to be a terrible witness for the prosecution. But that’s not how the media covered it. To them it’s not self-defense; it’s murder. Open and shut. Because as usual, they are as crooked as an Auntie Anne’s pretzel with scoliosis.
So if Rittenhouse is found not guilty, how will the activist class react who were spoon-fed the false media narrative. Let’s put it this way. Home Depot is gonna have a run on plywood from small business owners. It’s almost as if the media wants to prime the rioters to think Rittenhouse got away with murder. And why? Well, it keeps them from ever admitting they’re wrong.
They run from the facts like Hunter Biden runs from a baby mama. But it guarantees more violence. Which they see as restorative justice. And ratings too. Brian Williams picked the wrong time to retire.
The fact is – it was the media’s embrace of the riots while condemning the police – that led to more unbridled violence. And when there’s no law enforcement – who fills that gap? I’ll give u a hint – it’s not social workers or mental health experts. It’s people like Kyle Rittenhouse.
It was the media’s emboldening of criminality that they deemed necessary to punish our evil, racist society. And cowardly politicians responded with policies that sponsored this unsafe world. So why wouldn’t some citizens step up to protect others? Who else, if not you? Rittenhouse and others like him, that’s who.
When you leave people with no options, this is what you get. So maybe Rittenhouse acted in self-defense. How did the media act? Well, they’re not on trial.
But if they were it would take a jury 5 minutes to bring in a verdict of guilty.
This article is adapted from Greg Gutfeld’s opening monologue on the November 10, 2021 edition of “Gutfeld!”