Gutfeld reacts to the thumb’s up emoji, and he’s not using a thumb

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It’s time once again for “Everything is Racist.”

So just the other day, I was sending a text to a close friend of mine. I’m lying. I’m making up an anecdote to kick off this monologue. 

I don’t have any close friends other than my goldfish, Abe, and even he hates me. 

But while sending the text, I wanted to end it with the right emoji, a thumbs-up, if you will. The problem is, I’m white. I know, spoiler, but usually I just use the emoji that pops up — the default thumbs-up. 

NPR MOCKED FOR ARTICLE ON ‘WHITE PRIVILEGE’ EMOJIS

It’s kind of yellow, what’s called these days, “Simpsons” yellow. Now, except for that time I got scurvy from Kat, I’m not cartoon yellow. I’m white. Really white. 

So white, in fact, that I wear khakis to bed. Which means when I’m choosing the default thumbs-up, which is canary yellow, aren’t I cloaking my whiteness? Aren’t I hiding my privilege? You might even call it appropriating. 

Apple emojis. (AP Photo/Apple Inc.)

Apple emojis. (AP Photo/Apple Inc.)
(AP Photo/Apple Inc.)

I’m white using a yellow thumb. So the question plagued me. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat. I could barely look at myself in the mirror, which could have been fatal if I were Jesse Watters

All this time, as a white man, I was identifying as a Simpson, and not even a hot one like Ashley or O.J. 

"The Simpsons."

Well, thank God for NPR, because they tackled this dilemma for me. Yes, in between fun drives and profiles of trans sheep, they published an article on which skin color emoji should you use. 

The reply, which they supplied: The answer is more complex than you think. And that’s because, depending on your race, they could denote white privilege, especially if you use the yellow thumbs-up emoji. 

That means if you’re white, that you’re ignorant of your own advantage in life, like being able to choose any emoji you want. 

Some people don’t have that privilege, like some minorities and also careless woodshop teachers. 

By the way, even though I am white, my thumb identifies as a pinky. Now, the article is so important that it actually took three authors to put it together. Even my employees didn’t laugh. 

That’s two more authors than it took to write “War and Peace.” And 20 less than it took to write “How I Saved the World.” 

Their beef is that many people of color are exhausted. That’s the word they used. They’re exhausted of having to grapple with their emoji issues while white people just ignore it subconsciously. 

And even though we assume the yellow thumbs-up is neutral, some academics, i.e., freaks, argue that when you make that choice, you’re opting out of your commitment to awareness, which sounds interesting. 

So who am I kidding? It’s not interesting at all. 

I’m just sick and tired of talking about COVID and crime all the time, and I’m out of poop jokes since I started that juice cleanse. 

But COVID and crime are big problems, and it would be great if this emoji thing were so big an issue we could lead off the show with it. 

How awesome would your life be if all you had to deal with is being exhausted by emoji privilege? 

“Hey Joe, you look really down. You feeling OK?” “Yeah, I’m fine. But I was up until 4 this morning trying to decide how to sign off on a text.” So you want to talk about actual privilege? 

The most privileged thing is the existence of this article. Imagine the sheer lack of problems you have that would allow you to spend all this time and effort wondering if your emoji might be racist. 

I have an inkling that this is not a concern for parents of screaming kids. It’s not a concern for anyone who truly works for a living. It’s not a concern for anyone who has a sick relative, not a concern for any victim of crime. 

This kind of concern only exists in people with woke privilege academics, people who really don’t have to do anything but write silly little articles to show how smart they are. 

But these are pointless people, lucky to be alive in a really easy time to be alive. It’s America 2022. 

Netflix, Uber, Pornhub, pot — life’s a breeze for the lazy and shiftless. By comparison, on this day in history, Feb. 10, 1862, a Union Naval flotilla, which I believe is a boat with salsa and cheese, destroyed the Confederate Mosquito Fleet in the Battle of Elizabeth City in North Carolina. 

By the way, how hard is it to beat a fleet named after an insect you can kill with a fly swatter? Anyway, I bet you didn’t know I was a history buff. I’m not. I just really like to read Wikipedia in the buff, which got me removed from the public library. 

But that battle, like so many that were waged, ensured that 160 years later, three losers could write an article about emojis. 

Back then, they had real problems. Hell, today we have real problems. Crime waves, inflation, COVID, Joe Biden

President Joe Biden. (Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images) 

President Joe Biden. (Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images) 
(Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images)

But in the woke world, those aren’t concerns. Emojis are. Joe Rogan is. Hoop earrings — remember when they were racist? 

It’s problems like emojis and all that other crap that make academics feel important and NPR look enlightened. But in the real world, they don’t accomplish a damn thing. 

It’s stupid. So stupid. I’m giving them a thumbs-down. 

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And yeah, I’m using the wrong color and the wrong finger. 

This article is adapted from Greg Gutfeld’s opening monologue on the February 10, 2022 edition of “Gutfeld!”

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