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Parenthood is awesome, but you learn a lot. If you ever had kids in middle school, you know what sustained emotional drama looks like. Everything’s fairly placid up until about seventh grade. And then the four horsemen of the adolescent apocalypse arrive: hormones, homework, dating and acne. And things get very volatile, very fast. The main symptom of this period of childhood development, apart from door-slamming, is wild overstatement. No longer is anything okay, or not very good. No. Even the mildest inconvenience is transformed into a horrifying, world-ending disaster. The Titanic meets Vesuvius, plus Y2K. Four minutes late for school is the single worst day of my life ever. Waking up before 9 is like death. A pop quiz in math class? That’s the emotional equivalent of ethnic cleansing in Bosnia, except much more upsetting.
It’s pretty intense. Thankfully, most kids get over middle school, those who don’t tend to leave home and not come back. They become interpretive dance majors at small, liberal arts colleges, or they run for Congress. Ever wonder why America’s traditional party of the unionized working man suddenly sounds like a van full of eighth grade girls on the way to prom, all breathy and on the verge of tears? Well, it’s simple. Because at this point, that’s pretty much exactly what the Democratic Party is. You’ll really notice it in the way they speak.
For Democrats, there are no more small problems, no challenges minor. Every speed bump is a full-blown catastrophe. Every disagreement? Total war. Losing an election? They can’t even talk about it. Close your eyes and try to picture the scariest threat you can imagine. The prowler at the door. The monster under the bed. An IRS audit. Now multiply that scene by a million sweat-covered nightmares, and you are just beginning to approach the level of terror the Democrats feel when they think about giving up power. It’s not just a bad outcome, it’s the end of democracy. Watch.
DON LEMON: Is the end of our democracy in sight?
AOC: And I believe that the election of Joe Biden essentially paused our descent into just the complete upending of our democracy, but we are not out of it.
MSNBC: So Donald Trump’s comeback, it’s the end of our democracy
CNN: We might see the end of democracy in the coming years.
WOLF BLITZER: So you’re saying it’s still possible we could lose our democracy here in the United States?
ADAM SCHIFF: Without a doubt.
SCHUMER: If Americans lose faith in the veracity and honor of our elections, it’s the beginning of end of our democracy.
HILLARY CLINTON: I think that could be the end of our democracy, not to be too, you know, appointed about it, but I want people to understand.
ABC ANCHOR: Hillary Clinton said a couple of weeks ago that if he runs and wins, that could be the end of our democracy. Do you share that fear?
MAX BOOT: Well, I don’t want to be overly alarmist, but I think we should be alarmed because potentially this could be the end of American democracy. I never thought I’d be saying something like that.
It could be the end of American democracy, and I never thought I’d be saying something like that, says Max Boot. Well, that makes two of us. We always knew that Max Boot loved to kill brown people in impoverished villages, in faraway countries, or precisely send other people’s kids to do it for him. But we had no idea that Max Boot was in the middle of a full-blown emotional breakdown. He must be, because how else do you explain a reaction like that?
For a well-adjusted, normal person, unwanted election outcomes are part of life. Voters don’t always do what you want them to do. It is frustrating, but that’s how it works. In fact, when voters reject you, you get a chance to assess your own behavior. Chances are, there is a reason that people didn’t want you in power, and you now have time to think about what that reason might be. That’s a healthy process. So when you lose, it is hardly proof that the system is broken. In fact, it’s usually evidence that things are working exactly as intended. But people like Max Boot and Liz Cheney do not see it that way. They are too fragile to face their own unpopularity.
To people like that, the prospect of rejection by voters, of losing control of the country, means literally, literally, literally the end of democracy itself. Imagine feeling that way. If you really believe that your election loss meant the end of America and the beginning of a thousand years of darkness, you might have trouble keeping perspective on politics. Every election would feel like climate change, the most profound existential crisis in the history of the world. And if your side ever lost an election, whoa, how do you describe a disaster that existentially existential? Honestly, words would fail you. You’d have only animal sounds.
REACTION TO TRUMP VICTORY.
Yes, Democrat, someone you didn’t vote for won the presidential election. You know, if you’re not a Democrat, it’s pretty hard to imagine the pain of a moment like that. For Democrats, it was like being boiled alive in a giant mug of the world’s hottest latte, but without the soothing foam. Four years of wrenching agony. The whole experience hurt so much that Democrats inevitably came to the obvious conclusion. Going forward, no voter alive or dead, citizen or illegal, should ever again be asked to show voter ID at the polls. It was a simple, elegant solution that no sensible person could disagree with. Unfortunately, not everyone is sensible. Many people are like Hitler. So they oppose voter fraud. Democrats wasted no time in becoming hysterical about this.
MEDIA PUNDITS AND POLITICIANS TALK ABOUT VOTING LAWS
That’s right. Showing photo ID to vote, says Mr. Michael Eric Dyson, who not only teaches at a college, but has three names, that is both Jim Crow and Jane Crow, and for that matter, very much like their little-known love child, Josephus Crow, who’s even more racist than his parents are. That’s how immoral voter ID is. So stop it right now, says Michael Eric Dyson. It’s the end of democracy.
At this point, a lot of things are the end of democracy, including we are here to tell you, not wearing a mask in an elevator. Yes, that’s the end of democracy, too. So says the latest bulletin from, I want to be clear here we’re not accusing anyone of hysteria, just reporting the news, from this sitting Democratic congresswoman, who in point of fact rarely sits, but instead leaps around pointing a finger people and accusing them of things. In any case, here she is explaining the latest threat to democracy.
REP. PRAMILA JAYAPAL: This has happened to me where you get on an elevator and people refuse to wear a mask. And your choices are to either get off the elevator or to get on the elevator and to tell them to wear a mask. That should not be a problem in the United States Congress. And I really believe that our colleagues who refuse to even adhere to the basic norms of civility are undermining our democracy. And of course, we’re seeing it in all kinds of even more serious ways, like the Jan. 6 insurrection.
So those are your choices when an insurrectionist gets on the elevator without a mask. Of course, the other choice is to seek immediate psychiatric care and behave like an adult, that has not occurred to them. Because democracy is at stake. It turns out you can destroy our ancient democracy just by forgetting to wear your mask in an elevator. Think about that for a moment, Mr. and Mrs. America. Our democracy is that brittle. One act of carelessness, and it could shatter into a million pieces like a priceless vase. It’s enough to keep you up at night. Adam Kinzinger has not slept since he realized that. The thought that some oaf might trip on a carpet edge and drop democracy onto a hardwood floor, literally, literally makes Adam Kinzinger cry. It’s how sensitive he is.
KINZINGER: I never expected today to be quite as emotional for me as it has been. // You know, you talk about the impact of that day. But you guys won. You guys held. You know, democracies are not defined by our bad days, we’re defined by how we come back from bad days.
Yes, another seventh grade girl representing you in Congress, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Adam Kinzinger. You’ve got to wonder if we would all be much better off if Adam Kinzinger had just stuck to interpretive dance. Too late now.
This article is adapted from Tucker Carlson’s opening monologue on the February 16, 2022 edition of “Tucker Carlson Tonight.”